Jericho

So, I haven't posted here in a while. At first this seemed to be an easy way to keep everyone updated on what was going on in my life, but I don't think many people read my posts. I really don't care how many people read my posts; it's not about how many people read my posts. (Ok. So I care a little bit. I am human after all. Gotta feed that ego something) I suppose it was supposed to just be about an "easy" way to tell a lot of people at the same time about the things going on in my life.

 But then...

 Then it became a burden. I felt overwhelmed with sharing here. I thought it was just because of all the things I have to do. Well, let's not count that out completely. The truth is that I am busier here than I have ever been anywhere in my entire life.

But as I sit and contemplate it, I realize the root of the matter is that it is hard for me to be real. I still have this wall up. I've had it up for a long time. For about 10+ years now. Now to some people that may not be a long time, but that's a third of my life. You may ask, "What does this wall have to do with you posting a blog or not?"

Go ahead. Ask.

 Well, let me tell you. Writing and/or speaking becomes a burden when you don't want to share everything about yourself with others. Writing/Speaking become burdens when you don't want to let people in and you don't want them to know certain things. Let's get another thing straight here and now. There is nothing I feel like I have to hide, but I just have problems with letting everything out. I am definitely not an open book. 

Now I certainly don't believe that we have to let everyone know everything all of the time. But I do believe that there are many times when God calls us to be open, vulnerable. Am I afraid of what people might say and might think? Sure. That goes back to being hurt a long time ago. I'll gladly tell you about it, if you ask. For now, however, let's just say I trusted someone with extremely sensitive and private information about myself, only to later find out that everyone heard all about it.

 So, I now have issues. I know I have to forgive and forget and all that other stuff, but it ain't easy. But what I do know, for sure, is that God is faithful. He has been faithfully chipping away at that wall for a long long time. He won't stop until it is low enough for people to step over and come on in. He tells me I have to be open to reach the people that are a part of the various ministries I'm involved in. So what does He do? He makes me live with 2 people who seem to have no walls at all. Maybe they do have walls, I don't know. But as far as I can see they love me unconditionally, and they let me in. Now, they may not do that with everyone. It may be because we are in a special situation in which we live, work, and worship together. But I've learned so much from them both and God has used them to continue to tear down the wall and soften my heart. He's also used them as wonderful examples on how to be open to other people.

 I have no scripture for you now. I only know that I want to be open and so I ask that you pray for me on this.

 If I seem cold or distant, or if you haven't heard from me in a while, please forgive me. It's not that I don't care. It's that I am working things out and I am extremely, extremely, did I mention extremely busy?

 p.s. don't tell my kids how many sentences I started with the word "but", and don't tell them I used the word "ain't" and don't tell them about punctuation or grammatical errors. thank you.