Today

Today has been a pretty hard day for me. From time to time throughout my life I find myself getting into these "moods". I don't want to do anything and I feel completely sorry for myself. I suppose it could be some kind of depression. I'm not sure. I try to pull myself out of it and instead of running to God I find myself running away from Him and to food or movies or anything that I can use as an escape. The really bad part is that I don't give it to God, but also I have a past of using drugs and alcohol to escape. I still am trying to run away instead of face my problems. I suppose by composing this blog I am trying to deal with the "problem".

Today the problem is that I feel a bit undesirable. Ok so I feel a lot that way. I see many men who look at my physical attributes, my chest, my butt, etc. However, no one seems to be interested in me. No one seems to want to know more about me. The only person who I have any hope in chooses to be many miles away. Now I must say that there are extenuating circumstances in his situation. But I just can't shake this. There has been one interested person since this other person left, but he has decided that I am not the one, but someone else is. This is fine for me because this person doesn't have the most desirable personality. Also it's just that I watch as other guys actually seek girls out and want to talk to them and spend time with them. Why doesn't anyone want to do that with me? What's wrong with me?

Today I believe that God would have me realize that I must depend on Him and Him alone. My spiritual side says yes that is all you need! My fleshly side says I want more. It's funny because I feel like an oddball. I suppose working at a new job can do that. Although I have made acquaintances with many. But what I have been hearing a lot is that we are not to look like this world. We should not fit in easily. I understand this in my head, I just need it to fall down to my heart. I have friends who love me and need me. I guess I run away from them because they need me to support them because they go through so many problems. I feel like I can only fall back on God. Of course that is the way it is supposed to be. The problem is that I'm lonely. I feel like everyone else has their life in full swing. They know what they're doing and they know what's in store for them. I know this isn't really true, but when you're alone a lot all there is are the voices in your head. Granted these may be your own voices but they are there. I'm just lonely.....